Ass Baby, a Cautionary Tale

It’s been a long time again. I did end up having a D&C last month after bleeding over 70 days. It went fine.

This morning I had my ass cut open. Let me back up …

Last night, I was in horrible, awful pain. I couldn’t sleep all night. It hurt to sit, stand, or lay down thanks to a hemorrhoid protruding from my butt. This was no normal, run of the mill hemorrhoid, though. This was in a whole other realm of broken butt-ness that I never knew existed.

At 2 a.m., I was in the kitchen attempting to ice my butthole. I laid on my side and my stomach on the sofa hoping for relief that wasn’t coming. I texted my bff who’s a nurse at 3 in the morning. She answered around 5 and told me to see my doctor or go to the ER and that this didn’t sound in the realm of normal.

I waited for my PCP’s office to open at 8:30. By now, I’d figured out that I likely had a thrombosed hemorrhoid. I called and said (no joke): “It feels like I’m giving a slow and painful birth to an ass baby.” My colorful language worked and they booked me immediately.

When I got there, I was taken to a run that looked like where they perform minor surgeries and not a normal exam room, so I knew they were going to cut me.

The doc took one look in there and confirmed what I was thinking. It was a thrombosed hemorrhoid and it needed to be drained. He and a nurse spread my cheeks and numbed the area, which was excruciating. Nobody should ever be coming at you with needles in your asshole. It’s the worst.

Then he cut me. Instant relief … for a few hours, at least. He packed new full of gauze and sent me on my way and told new not to lift anything and to take sitz baths. Oh, and he showed me the clot, which was the size of a cherry. *vomit*

Once I got home, the numbness wore off. My husband attempted to help me change out the gauze and I got blood everywhere. He had to shampoo the carpet, wash sheets and mop the bathroom floor. It was awful. Oh, and my ass started to feel like 20 bees were stinging in my asshole. So bad.

I’m terrified of the poop that will inevitably come. Terrified.

Needless to say, today was traumatizing and my butt hurts. I really don’t know what happened that landed me here, but I hope it never happens again. 

#brokenbuttholeclub

It’s Never As Bad As You Think It’s Gonna Be

I had my physical this morning. I had myself all worked up thinking I was going to get lectured about being a fattie. That’s not at all what happened. Instead, my doctor listened to me and my concerns. He even let me know that I have lost some weight since the last time I was there. Which is good and bad. Good because, yay, I lost weight. Bad because that means my starting weight was probably fatter than what I posted on here. *womp, womp*

My doc sent me for a boatload of blood work, including testing my thyroid. Hopefully by this time next week, I’ll know if there is something wrong with me and what it is. He also referred me to an orthopedic doc for my knee issues. Hopefully I’ll get that sorted out soon, too.

Hey, at least my blood pressure was good. I’ve got that going for me.