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Ass Baby, a Cautionary Tale

1 Mar

It’s been a long time again. I did end up having a D&C last month after bleeding over 70 days. It went fine.

This morning I had my ass cut open. Let me back up …

Last night, I was in horrible, awful pain. I couldn’t sleep all night. It hurt to sit, stand, or lay down thanks to a hemorrhoid protruding from my butt. This was no normal, run of the mill hemorrhoid, though. This was in a whole other realm of broken butt-ness that I never knew existed.

At 2 a.m., I was in the kitchen attempting to ice my butthole. I laid on my side and my stomach on the sofa hoping for relief that wasn’t coming. I texted my bff who’s a nurse at 3 in the morning. She answered around 5 and told me to see my doctor or go to the ER and that this didn’t sound in the realm of normal.

I waited for my PCP’s office to open at 8:30. By now, I’d figured out that I likely had a thrombosed hemorrhoid. I called and said (no joke): “It feels like I’m giving a slow and painful birth to an ass baby.” My colorful language worked and they booked me immediately.

When I got there, I was taken to a run that looked like where they perform minor surgeries and not a normal exam room, so I knew they were going to cut me.

The doc took one look in there and confirmed what I was thinking. It was a thrombosed hemorrhoid and it needed to be drained. He and a nurse spread my cheeks and numbed the area, which was excruciating. Nobody should ever be coming at you with needles in your asshole. It’s the worst.

Then he cut me. Instant relief … for a few hours, at least. He packed new full of gauze and sent me on my way and told new not to lift anything and to take sitz baths. Oh, and he showed me the clot, which was the size of a cherry. *vomit*

Once I got home, the numbness wore off. My husband attempted to help me change out the gauze and I got blood everywhere. He had to shampoo the carpet, wash sheets and mop the bathroom floor. It was awful. Oh, and my ass started to feel like 20 bees were stinging in my asshole. So bad.

I’m terrified of the poop that will inevitably come. Terrified.

Needless to say, today was traumatizing and my butt hurts. I really don’t know what happened that landed me here, but I hope it never happens again. 

#brokenbuttholeclub

Tales from Unexplained Uterus-Land

3 Jan

I’m so bad about posting in here. It’s probably because I’m tired. Really, really tired. See, I’m 9 months postpartum. That wouldn’t really matter much, and I’m going to go full-blown TMI here, but I’ve had my period for FORTY-FIVE DAYS STRAIGHT.

Yes, 45 days. No break. All the bleeding. All the fun. I’m single-handedly responsible for keeping the feminine product industry alive. Also, I broke down and tried those free-bleed Thinx underwear because I was losing my mind with the tampons and the pads and the will-this-ever-end?!?! feelings. The answer? Nope, never gonna end. Aunt Flo is here to stay.

I called my doctor around day 20-something. He did an ultrasound with dildo-cam (my favorite, haven’t had one since I was pregnant and I had so many of those when I was at the fertility center) and had me take a blood test.

Guess what, you guys. Both came back normal. My uterus, while misbehaving currently, is apparently normal. No fibroids, no polyps, not even any cysts, which I am known for producing at expert-level since I have PCOS. My blood work also came back normal. According to my doctor, my bleeding is “unexplained.”

Um, what?

So, he sent me on my merry ho-ho-ho way, all “unexplained” and everything with a prescription for progesterone that he told me to go ahead and start taking to make my period stop.

Christmas came and I was like:

Blackboard with the text: All I Want For Christmas in a conceptu

Santa didn’t deliver. That rat bastard.

Then New Year’s came and I was like:

Hand writing Resolution for 2017 with marker, concept background

2017 didn’t do me a solid and end this madness, either. Thanks for nothing.

 

I took the progesterone. I took all of it (as prescribed, of course). While it decreased the intensity of Aunt Flo, it didn’t make her go back into hiding. That brings us to today, day 45 of this blood-filled journey.

I left my doctor a message today to let him know the progesterone didn’t work, but only after my husband bugged me to call their office (I must be a real peach being on the rag this long). His office called me back later to tell me I have two options —

  1. Try a prescription that’s basically birth control to see if that kicks my lady parts back into gear.
  2. Get in a D&C (outpatient surgery) to try to “reset my uterus.”

They even said I could schedule the D&C now if I wanted. Um, how many times can a person go under the knife? I mean, really? I HAVE HAD SO MANY SURGERIES. Why haven’t we tested my hormones or my thyroid to make sure it’s not one of those? Why am I the one asking this stuff? Why are doctors so quick to recommend surgery before getting to the root of the problem? I DO NOT UNDERSTAND. Do I need to go find myself a good endocrinologist now?

Also, I have feelings about going back on the pill. I’ve been off of it since 2012-ish. I don’t really want to go back on it. I would like to have another kid, but I don’t know if it’s in the cards for me given my infertility woes and lovely PCOS. I don’t know if I’m willing to go through everything I went through before again. It was really stressful and I felt really alone when I was going through it. I’d rather it happen naturally if it’s meant to be, which probably means nothing would happen. I guess I’m okay with that, too. I have a healthy, happy, entertaining little boy already, which is more than I could ever ask for.

Anyway, this is mostly a vent. I’m tired. I’m cranky. I’m in pain. I’m bleeding.

I’d really like for this to stop already.

 

 

39 Weeks

17 Mar

Well, I’m still pregnant. I’m really ready to have this kid. It’s getting harder and harder to sleep, get comfortable, move, eat, and generally exist. I guess he’s not ready to make his debut just yet, though.

Next week, I start non-stress tests and stress tests to make sure he’s still doing okay since I’ll be past my due date at that point. My OB imparted this lovely wisdom on me yesterday. He said, “Usually when women say they’re done with being pregnant and ready to deliver, they have about a month left to go. When they’re completely miserable, it’s usually another week.”

Fantastic. Lump me into that completely miserable category.

I am very excited to meet the little one. When I do sleep, I’ve had crazy vivid dreams. I had one where I delivered and they put him on me and he immediately latched on and started feeding. I was rejoicing and telling everyone I was the BREASTFEEDING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! It was so real that I woke up thinking I was in the hospital and had just nodded off. Nope. Just a dream.

I took a scary tumble toward the end of last week. Our cat bolted out of the house when I opened the front door and I was chasing after her and fell on our porch. I caught my hand on the siding by our front window and sliced my hand open. Thankfully, I did not fall on my stomach. I fell on my knees, so they took the brunt of the tumble. It did not feel good and I am still not trusting that shady little kitty. What a punk!

 

 

38 Weeks

6 Mar

I’m ready to have this kid, y’all. I hurt everywhere, doing anything is a chore, I get heartburn from daring to drink water, and even getting in and out of the car is hard. I also have pregnancy carpal tunnel. That’s just more annoying than anything. I’m looking forward to feeling my hand again. It is TIME. 

I’m worried I won’t know when I’m in labor. My BFF didn’t know. Everyone says “you will know,” well, what if you don’t? I have started feeling more violent contractions lately, but none of the 5-1-1 business they tell you to watch for before you call the doctor.

Of course, of course, all the suffering and little annoyances will be worth it times a million once he gets here. I can’t wait to meet the little guy. I’m excited to meet him and terrified labor will be excruciating. I’m excited to be finally be a mom and terrified to be in charge of a tiny human life. These must be the yins and yangs of parenthood. 

Nearing Term

25 Feb

So much has transpired since I last wrote. I’m now at 36.5 weeks. Almost full-term!

Last weekend, we had another baby shower. This time, one with all of our friends at a brewery. It was great. My BFF flew out earlier in the week with my Goddaughter to visit. Oh, and because my BFF is a total rock star, she helped us install our car seat so we don’t have to worry about it. It’s in the car already! She told us the worst part of having a kid is the car seat. She wasn’t lying. It’s complicated. I’m so glad we don’t have to worry about it now.

My husband’s sisters (all three) and one of his aunts (a cool one) all flew out to see us, too. Then while we were at dinner one night, I was surprised by two of my oldest and dearest friends who drove 500 miles to celebrate with us, too. I cried some big, fat tears of joy. The day after the shower, more of my husband’s relatives drove over to see us from across the state. We hosted a brunch for them and everyone else who was in town. We were completely surrounded by a love tornado all weekend long. It was amazing.

Needless to say, there was a lot of activity (and laughs and tears) for a few days. By the time everyone departed to their corners of the world, I was beat. I’m starting to get swollen all the time — troll feet and cankles! I’ve been exhausted, too.

Yesterday, I thought I might be showing signs of early labor, so I was glad I had an OB appointment to discuss what’s going on. I think baby boy is starting to descend, so I’m feeling crazy pressure on my pelvis. Oh, I’ve also developed pregnancy carpal tunnel in my right hand. That’s annoying.

I have what feels like a billion thank-you cards to write. I’m so behind. Hubby and I spent last night putting gifts away in the baby’s room. This kid has so many clothes! It’s insane!

To go off on a total tangent, I really wish I had known about The Spoiled Mama products earlier in my pregnancy. Early on, I used The Honest Company Organic Belly Balm, but I didn’t really care for the smell or the consistency. Then I used Bio-Oil for months and months, which was fine, but really nothing special. A few weeks ago, I stumbled on The Spoiled Mama when I was looking for something to better treat my stretch marks because I was starting to get a whole bunch of them.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE The Spoiled Mama products. I have really sensitive skin and I get itchy and red a lot. Bio-Oil was okay for the itching. The Honest Company didn’t really help that at all, but The Spoiled Mama is awesome. I haven’t had any problems since I started using it. I use three of their products daily and they have helped so much – I’m never itchy anymore and they are really helping with stretch marks.

  1. sugar-scrub-for-stretch-marksIndulge Body Polish Peppermint & Vanilla: This stuff is great! I use it first thing in the morning in the shower. It leaves my skin feeling so soft and moisturized. The peppermint scent gives me a little bit of a wake-up in the morning, too. The only downside is that it makes your shower floor a little slick, so be careful. You might have to clean the shower more frequently than normal.
  2. bump gloss stretch mark oil_cap off -xl4Bump Gloss Stretch Mark Oil: I slather this all over my bump and stretch marks. It absorbs pretty quickly and a little goes a long way. It’s similar to the Bio-Oil I was using, but smells better.
  3. tummy-butter-for-stretch-marks-4ozTummy Butter for Stretch Marks: Okay, this one is my absolute favorite. It smells great – kind of like a mix of citrus and chocolate. It goes on easy and absorbs quickly – and you don’t feel greasy (my problem with Honest Company Belly Balm). I really, really wish I had known about this when I got pregnant. It’s a great product! I can’t say enough good things about it.

I have to touch on infertility for a minute. You know, it’s really hard not to be sensitive about people’s comments even when you are finally pregnant. Some of our relatives made comments this past weekend about how we need to plan for a second kid now — just completely insensitive remarks. They have no idea how many years and science it took to get us to where we are now. My husband’s sisters know how much we struggled, so they shot me some understanding glances when this was happening, but still. People really need to keep their mouths shut when it comes to pressuring couples about babies. It really is none of their business. And frankly, I don’t know if we’ll be able to have another kid. It was so hard getting pregnant with this one! Honestly, I don’t know if I could go through all of that again. Also, I’m getting older! I’ll be 37 later this year. It just might not be in the cards for us to have a second child. I wish people could just be happy for this miracle and not try to put pressure on us to have more kids. We’re thrilled that we get to be parents in a few weeks. This kid might be our only kid and we are okay with that – why can’t everyone else be?

Church Ladies Like to Knit

25 Jan

So, the shower on Saturday happened. My husband kept lecturing me about approaching it like I was going to have fun and telling me not to be negative about it, so that’s what I did. I was pretty sad my mom couldn’t be there and I shed a few tears about it beforehand, but she sent my dad in her absence and that in itself ended up being hilarious. It was probably the first shower he’s ever been to. My brother came, too.

Holy toledo, did this kid get spoiled! I think he has enough clothes to last years now. He also has about 10 baby blankets and I’ve deduced that church ladies love to knit, crochet, cross-stitch, and quilt blankets for babies.

It was a bit overwhelming being the center of attention and having everyone watch us as we opened gift after gift. I’ve frankly never seen so many gifts in my life. That in itself makes me feel weird. My sister-in-law did attempt to make it fun by having everyone there play Baby Bingo to guess what I’d receive, so that made it a little less boring for everyone (I hope).

People said some strange things to me about my mom. Many of the ladies asked if she was coming and either my dad or I would explain that her counts were too low to be around other people. One person asked me if she was coming and when I said she wasn’t, she said, “Oh, I thought maybe she wouldn’t come because she wouldn’t want to take away from your day.”

UM, WHAT? Why in the world would anyone think that? People are so strange.

 

Preparing for Baby

14 Jan

I’ve been really terrible about updating this thing. There is just so much going on, it’s hard to remember to do it! Well, that, and I feel like pregnancy has made me terribly stupid (more on that later). I’m almost 31 weeks now and it’s definitely starting to feel real. We finished painting the nursery, the crib arrives tomorrow, and I have a glider ordered that’s coming in a few weeks. We also started going to birthing classes last week.

On the health front, I’ve been feeling pretty tired and hurty. This pubic symphysis business is no fun. Most days, it feels like my crotch is being ripped apart. My doctor wrote me a prescription for a hip brace. It sort of helps. I’ve been going to acupuncture and the chiropractor for it, too. Nothing seems to give me lasting relief, so I mostly just suck it up and deal. Also, I did fail my 1-hour glucose test and I had to go back and take the 3-hour one that takes 4 hours to complete. The worst part was starving for so many hours. After 15 hours with no food, I was absolutely ravenous by the time I left the lab. Luckily, I ended up passing all 3 tests for that one, so my worries could cease on that front.

Worries on other fronts continue, however. I had another scan of the baby at 28 weeks to check out his heart. They still couldn’t get a super clear visual of all the parts of his heart. I was really hoping the scan would go great and we would hear that we had nothing to worry about. Instead, my doctor said something like, “From what I could see on the scan, I want to say that everything will be okay, but unfortunately, I can’t say that with 100% certainty.” Then he told me all we can do is wait until he is born and if something is in fact wrong, he’ll be whisked away to the top notch neonatal heart doctors. So, it wasn’t wholly terrible, but it also wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear.

We had a lovely Christmas Eve with my family and a kind of cruddy Christmas. My mom’s platelets went dangerously low and she ended up in the E.R. on Christmas day. She got admitted and spent another week in the hospital, most of it waiting to receive matched donor platelets. They didn’t have any and she had to wait for 5 days, which made us all really nervous because she got really, really sick this time. My dad was camping out and sleeping at the hospital. She’s back in the hospital this week for her third round of chemo.

My mother-in-law was given 6-12 months to live. We’re pretty sad about it. I’m guessing once the baby is born, we’ll be making a trek east so she can see the baby. The thought of traveling with an infant scares me, but we will cross that road when we get to it.

My first baby shower is next weekend. My aunt is throwing it at my parents’ church and it’s been so dramatic hearing about her antics from my sister-in-law. It’s a long story and it’s also stress I don’t need, so I’m telling myself I will just sit there with a smile on my face until it’s over. This aunt in particular really has a way of sucking the joy out of every single situation. I don’t even feel like this is a shower for me or the baby. It’s a shower for HER. It’s also likely my mom won’t be able to go because of how her treatments are timed and my aunt had the audacity to give her a hard time about that. Like she can change it or has any control over it. Cancer waits for no one, lady.

We’re having a more fun ‘friends’ co-ed shower at a brewery in February. I’m super excited about that one. My BFF is traveling here with my Goddaughter to help throw it with my brother,  sister-in-law, and another one of my friends. It will be so wonderful to see her. I’d be happy just visiting with her since I haven’t seen her and my cute little Goddaughter in so long.

So, about feeling dumb during pregnancy … last weekend, my husband flew out of town to visit his mom and sisters. I was home alone with the pets. I was supposed to go pick up my dad at the car dealership and give him a ride home while his car was getting some work done. I took the dog for a walk and when I came back, I was locked out of the house. The door between our garage and inside has one of those awful handles that still turns from the inside when it’s locked….but it’s locked from the outside. I was being ultra-anal with hubby being out of town, so I had locked it from the inside the night before. Normally, we keep it open.

I panicked and paced the sidewalk trying to figure out what to do. I had no keys and no phone … and a little dog with me. I looked around at the neighbors’ houses and nobody’s lights were on since it was pretty early. I’ve only met one set of neighbors and it looked like they were out of town for the weekend. I debated walking over to another set and introducing myself as their pregnant idiot neighbor. Then I looked down and realized I got this handy Apple Watch for Christmas and since my cell phone was on the counter inside the house, if I stood by the door, I could call people from my watch! So, that’s what I did. My dad left the dealership to come save me. We were lucky that it wasn’t terribly cold that day so we didn’t freeze while we waited in the garage. I had given my dad a key to our house a few months ago and luckily he had it on his keychain. So, yeah, I feel like my idiocy lately is a force to be reckoned with. I feel dumb 100% of the time these days.

 

tippytupps

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