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39 Weeks

17 Mar

Well, I’m still pregnant. I’m really ready to have this kid. It’s getting harder and harder to sleep, get comfortable, move, eat, and generally exist. I guess he’s not ready to make his debut just yet, though.

Next week, I start non-stress tests and stress tests to make sure he’s still doing okay since I’ll be past my due date at that point. My OB imparted this lovely wisdom on me yesterday. He said, “Usually when women say they’re done with being pregnant and ready to deliver, they have about a month left to go. When they’re completely miserable, it’s usually another week.”

Fantastic. Lump me into that completely miserable category.

I am very excited to meet the little one. When I do sleep, I’ve had crazy vivid dreams. I had one where I delivered and they put him on me and he immediately latched on and started feeding. I was rejoicing and telling everyone I was the BREASTFEEDING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! It was so real that I woke up thinking I was in the hospital and had just nodded off. Nope. Just a dream.

I took a scary tumble toward the end of last week. Our cat bolted out of the house when I opened the front door and I was chasing after her and fell on our porch. I caught my hand on the siding by our front window and sliced my hand open. Thankfully, I did not fall on my stomach. I fell on my knees, so they took the brunt of the tumble. It did not feel good and I am still not trusting that shady little kitty. What a punk!

 

 

Gym Etiquette

21 Aug

The gym I go to has a big room with a touch screen that has all kinds of video exercise classes you can take by your lonesome or with a friend. My cousin and I have been utilizing these classes since we are both relatively gimpy and the treadmill isn’t currently our friend. We’ve been selecting ‘easy’ workouts, but I think they’re categorized incorrectly because they sure aren’t easy. Pilates lady had us bending in all sorts of whichways and let me tell you, I do not  bend in some of those directions. That wasn’t EASY. Also, several of her moves had me concerned I might snap my neck or fart very loudly.

Anyway, while we were in the middle of making our very own yoga-lates class, several people came in and out of the exercise room. Okay, fine. It doesn’t bother me if you come in and get something you need or go off in a corner and stretch. Whatever. This was different, though. One lady came in humming and singing her music loudly (she had headphones in) completely oblivious that we were even there. She proceeded to grunt every way to Tuesday and walk in front of us while we were trying to watch the instructor of our video class. What’s up with that? Rude.

After Grunty McRudePants, we were visited by Ultra McHip Flexi-Fit Chick. She came in and decided to just plop down and do her workout right by us. Um, okay.  You’re invading my workout bubble, lady. I only want so many people to see me with my yoga pants falling down and bunching up while I twist and turn my abs of flab. And the number of people I’d like seeing me do that is ZERO.

Last I checked, I thought it was common courtesy to wait until people were done before you take over the joint or ambush a class they are in the middle of taking. Am I in the minority here? Who are these assshats?

The Vault: Javelin Knee Pop

19 Aug

Many, many moons ago, I was a high school athlete. My sports of choice were basketball, softball, and eventually track & field. Because I played softball most of my life, throwing a javelin came naturally. I enjoyed the solitude of the sport. It was just me, an open field, and a long metal object that could basically spear someone. I did some really good thinking out in the fields throwing javelin. I would spend hours practicing. I liked throwing javelin more than throwing discus (too much spinning) or shotput (not strong enough to wield that heavy ball). Javelin was fun.

One fateful day, a frienemy of mine tripped me in study hall. My left knee felt not so hot after that, but I went to track practice after school. I donned my javelin cleats, which looked like long nail beds. I ran, I did my crossover, I planted …. then ….OOOSH, SNAP, POP, I fell to the ground. OWWWW. My kneecap popped out of place. The pain was excruciating. I made a visit to the ER that night and the next day at school, I showed up on crutches and in an immobilizer from my thigh to my ankle. It was all I knew for several months. When I walked into chemistry class that day, my frienemy just laughed. Asshole.

Little did I know when I was 16, that crappy injury would plague me the rest of my life. Even though I’ve been through numerous bouts of physical therapy, my knees are just at a point where they hold me back. My right knee was injured the following year during a bad triple jump takeoff. Oops. I’m not very graceful.

These days, I walk around with Rice Krispie knees. They snap, they crackle, and they pop. I’m really frustrated by this catch-22. I want to work out because I’m fat. I’m fat because my knees suck. My knees continue to suck because I haven’t lost weight. I haven’t lost weight because when I start to really try, my knees give. And the vicious cycle goes on and on.

My chiropractor taped me up with some kinesio tape today and told me to steer clear of the treadmill for a bit to let my knee calm down. Apparently, the repetitive motion of the treadmill isn’t so great for my bum knee. Oops. Now I’m wondering, okay, what should I do to work out? I can’t do elliptical machines because they kill my back (a whole other issue). Biking is kind of the same repetitive motion type of thing. I guess I’ll have to try yoga or pilates.  Or else I’ll be lifting with my arms a lot. All in all, a frustrating development in my quest from fat to fit.

I have a physical with my family practitioner on Thursday.  If I’m being honest, it’s probably my first real physical in over a decade. I’ll probably be wholly depressed afterward, but I guess everyone needs a baseline to start from, right? Plus, I really think something is up with my thyroid. I’ve been eating better and working out and I just seem to be losing and gaining the same 1 pound. Wholly disappointing. More frustration. But hey, it’ll be a relief to know what is or isn’t going on with my body.

tippytupps

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