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Ass Baby, a Cautionary Tale

1 Mar

It’s been a long time again. I did end up having a D&C last month after bleeding over 70 days. It went fine.

This morning I had my ass cut open. Let me back up …

Last night, I was in horrible, awful pain. I couldn’t sleep all night. It hurt to sit, stand, or lay down thanks to a hemorrhoid protruding from my butt. This was no normal, run of the mill hemorrhoid, though. This was in a whole other realm of broken butt-ness that I never knew existed.

At 2 a.m., I was in the kitchen attempting to ice my butthole. I laid on my side and my stomach on the sofa hoping for relief that wasn’t coming. I texted my bff who’s a nurse at 3 in the morning. She answered around 5 and told me to see my doctor or go to the ER and that this didn’t sound in the realm of normal.

I waited for my PCP’s office to open at 8:30. By now, I’d figured out that I likely had a thrombosed hemorrhoid. I called and said (no joke): “It feels like I’m giving a slow and painful birth to an ass baby.” My colorful language worked and they booked me immediately.

When I got there, I was taken to a run that looked like where they perform minor surgeries and not a normal exam room, so I knew they were going to cut me.

The doc took one look in there and confirmed what I was thinking. It was a thrombosed hemorrhoid and it needed to be drained. He and a nurse spread my cheeks and numbed the area, which was excruciating. Nobody should ever be coming at you with needles in your asshole. It’s the worst.

Then he cut me. Instant relief … for a few hours, at least. He packed new full of gauze and sent me on my way and told new not to lift anything and to take sitz baths. Oh, and he showed me the clot, which was the size of a cherry. *vomit*

Once I got home, the numbness wore off. My husband attempted to help me change out the gauze and I got blood everywhere. He had to shampoo the carpet, wash sheets and mop the bathroom floor. It was awful. Oh, and my ass started to feel like 20 bees were stinging in my asshole. So bad.

I’m terrified of the poop that will inevitably come. Terrified.

Needless to say, today was traumatizing and my butt hurts. I really don’t know what happened that landed me here, but I hope it never happens again. 


39 Weeks

17 Mar

Well, I’m still pregnant. I’m really ready to have this kid. It’s getting harder and harder to sleep, get comfortable, move, eat, and generally exist. I guess he’s not ready to make his debut just yet, though.

Next week, I start non-stress tests and stress tests to make sure he’s still doing okay since I’ll be past my due date at that point. My OB imparted this lovely wisdom on me yesterday. He said, “Usually when women say they’re done with being pregnant and ready to deliver, they have about a month left to go. When they’re completely miserable, it’s usually another week.”

Fantastic. Lump me into that completely miserable category.

I am very excited to meet the little one. When I do sleep, I’ve had crazy vivid dreams. I had one where I delivered and they put him on me and he immediately latched on and started feeding. I was rejoicing and telling everyone I was the BREASTFEEDING CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! It was so real that I woke up thinking I was in the hospital and had just nodded off. Nope. Just a dream.

I took a scary tumble toward the end of last week. Our cat bolted out of the house when I opened the front door and I was chasing after her and fell on our porch. I caught my hand on the siding by our front window and sliced my hand open. Thankfully, I did not fall on my stomach. I fell on my knees, so they took the brunt of the tumble. It did not feel good and I am still not trusting that shady little kitty. What a punk!




27 Aug

We had our first appointment back with my normal OB GYN yesterday since we ‘graduated’ from the fertility center. He did an ultrasound, which we were both itching for since we got spoiled by the every two weeks ultrasounds at the fertility center. The baby was moving around like crazy! We got a wave and then a bunch of breakdancing. It was incredible to watch. My husband recorded it on his phone and we sent it to our parents and siblings. It was so incredible to see how much has changed since the last ultrasound. Last time, we just saw the baby’s head and little arm and leg nubbins. This time we saw arms and legs, a mouth, little fingers, the spine, and the heart beating. My husband was amazed how much the baby was moving and that I can’t feel it yet. Last week, the baby was a size of a Lego Man and we bought a little Lego person for comparison. This week, the baby is the size of a poker chip!

I’ve had some unpleasantness the last few days. First, an appointment with my dermatologist where she scraped off 5 moles to send off for biopsy (skin cancer runs in my family). Now I have lovely craters on my calf, back, side, and face! They couldn’t give me any oral antibiotics because of the pregnancy, so I was left with some lovely ointment I have to put on twice a day. The wounds were throbbing like crazy the first couple days!

Then yesterday at my OB, I talked to him about some problems I’ve been having with my lady parts. This may be TMI for some people, but I get vaginal cysts and they are terrible, awful, painful little things that materialize whenever they want causing me pain and annoyance. Not to mention, who wants to be romantical when your lady parts hurt?! Not me.

Anyway, I’ve been getting these flipping cysts for about 8 years and have had at least 5 different doctors tell me various things about them like “they’re not bartholin cysts,” or “it’s kind of like a pimple (eww).” I even had one doctor cut off an entirely wrong area of my lady bits and send it off to the lab (OW OW OW) and it wasn’t even one of the cysts. It was a freckle. Needless to say, I switched doctors after that. Nobody wants a vagina hack job.

So yesterday my doc removed one of them (OUCH), but couldn’t get the bigger one that is way more annoying because of its location. He said I just have to deal with it and hope it goes away on it’s one. It’s been there for 2 weeks already. I think inserting the progesterone pills for the last 10 weeks really made the cysts flair much worse than normal. Thankfully, I don’t have to do that anymore. I asked if there was anything I could do to prevent these things because I have literally tried everything I’ve read on the interwebs. He said no, that it’s just bad luck. Lucky me! At least he admitted that sitz baths do nothing for these pesky buggers. Nothing really helps. My vagina is cursed.

You Want Me To Do What? And, Hey, Let’s Wait.

28 Jun

Saturday was a whirlwind.

Husband got up early to go to the fertility clinic and create a specimen. He sent me a lovely photo of the “room” they put him in. It consisted of a toilet and a hospital recliner. Sexy times!

We both went back to the clinic later that morning and met with my acupuncturist. But before that happened, I got super nervous in the parking lot and had to run into the building to go to the bathroom. Thanks, nerves.

Once we arrived, my acupuncturist met us in the waiting room. He needled me up in the IVF recovery area, which is not exactly the optimal “chill” kind of places. Lights were on. People were talking. Music was playing. I hummed along to Tom Petty’s The Waiting and Journey’s Lovin’, Touchin’ Squeezin’. Before I knew it, I was getting de-needled and headed back to the waiting room.

I felt like i had a small entourage with my acupuncturist and husband both being there, my Reproductive Posse. Eventually, they took hubby and I back to a room where I disrobed from the waist down. The nurse came in, had us verify a bunch of facts — gotta make sure the seed is the seed you need!

The IUI procedure in itself didn’t last very long. It was similar to getting a pap smear. No big deal. Immediately after, they raise your derrière up in the air for 15 minutes and you lay there willing your mate’s boys to GO FOR THE GOLD. For me, it was longer because my acupuncturist came into the room and needled me up a second time. Which, you know, was only mildly awkward considering he could see all of my nether regions (I’m guessing) since I was only covered up by a flimsy paper cloth. Yeah, buddy! It’ll be fun looking you in the eye the next time I see you!

So, I laid there a 2nd time with more needles in me for about 20 minutes. Husband and I talked about random things while we waited. Then we were done, I got all the needles pulled out of me, and we left. In the car, he asked me if it was as good for me as it was for him. Ha, what a joker! Just a fun 3 hours at the fertility clinic on a Saturday hoping that it results in progeny!

Oh, before we left, the nurse said we can take a home pregnancy test in TWO weeks. Why do I feel like the next 13 (12, really) days are going to drag on and on and on and on? Oh, and she told me to start my progesterone today … but not orally. She told me to insert the pills vaginally. Say what, lady? You want me to do what?! Yes, insert the pills vaginally. Um, okay. Of course I looked online and other ladies have done this (of course). They all complained of stained underwear. Fun. Super. Time to break out the 2nd string undies.

And for now, we wait. And hope. And wait. And try not to think about it (HA!).

It’s Been Awhile. Why Not Blog About It?

24 Jun

Considering nearly two years have passed since I last posted, perhaps I should catch people up.

Yes, I’m stil trying to be better. Weight isn’t sliding off of me, but I’ve found a few answers as to why that might be happening along the way.

My husband and I have been trying to conceive for about two and a half years. It hasn’t been going so great. I had an hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to see my fallopian tubes were open last winter. One was blocked, but my doctor got it to open up during the procedure (yes, that hurt). Essentially, I had to lay on a hospital bed, lower half exposed and move around whenever he told me to while he shot dye through a catheter he jammed up in me. The pain was short-lived, but intense, and I do not consider it an enjoyable procedure … not that many procedures in your nether regions are enjoyable.

I also had laparoscopic surgery for possible endometriosis in April. What’s that? I was put under, and my doctor and the good ol’ daVinci robot went on an expedition to find possible endometrial adhesions or other potential things going on in my insides. My doctor found some adhesions and removed them, but the labs came back saying they are not endo. So I guess I don’t have that after all. I do have some pesky polycystic ovaries, though. My doctor found over 20 and performed “ovarian drilling” to zap them away. I was officially diagnosed with PCOS, which may explain some of my issues losing weight despite walking 4-5 miles a day and eating healthy. Oh, and since I had the procedure, minus the several week recovery, I’ve had zero lower back pain. An odd, yet wholeheartedly embraced, feeling since I’ve had back pain for years. Oh, and if you’re ever bored, research some of the symptoms of PCOS – it’s a laundry list of everything a lady doesn’t want in her life: infertility, excess hairiness in places you do not want hairiness, gathering/gaining weight in your mid-section, irregular periods, acne, skin tags, dandruff, thinning hair, sleep apnea, depression, etc.

In researching PCOS, I found that lots of ladies have had some success in managing their symptoms by cutting out dairy and carbs, so I decided to try that out myself. The hardest part has been giving up cheese and ice cream. I freakin’ love cheese, man. Saying goodbye to that is the hardest. I still struggle if we go out to eat because everything has cheese! A few weeks off of both, and our anniversary hit. My husband took me to a nice Italian restaurant and I had way too many carbs and way too much cheese that night. My system couldn’t handle it and I was very unpleasantly sick for two days — to the point of never really wanting to eat either thing again. I mentioned to my doctor how much better I’ve felt since I quit them and that I think I may have a food allergy with one or both of those things. He ordered me a “GI Distress Test.” Sounds awesome, right? I have to go take that at some point. I’ve also been working with a nutritionist who has me on an all organic diet with the goal of keeping my insulin levels very steady and calm with no spikes so my body is ready for pregnancy. If you’re looking for me, you’ll find me gnawing on some meaty proteins, sipping spearmint tea (Tea Gschwendner makes a lovely Moroccan Mint), or buying out the organic produce aisle at the grocery store.

In the meantime, after over a year of trying various drug combinations to try to get my system to regulate and ovulate without success, my OB referred my husband and I to a fertility clinic. This was right after we were all so very excited by a blinking ovulation predictor kit (OPK) result the day I had a follicle check scheduled at his office. We had never seen one before, so we were quick to think the surgery and drugs worked and this was our time! It was short-lived excitement because the test continued to blink for 16 days. That ain’t right and that is what prompted him to send me to the fertility clinic.

I wasn’t feeling particularly ready for that step, but we went to the fertility clinic appointment anyway and listened to the doctor. Surprisingly, he made me feel more at ease … like we can do this … like we have a plan. So, I agreed to up my dosage of the ovarian stimulation drug letrozole (femara), start taking follicle-stimulating hormone (FSH ) injections (gonal-f), take an human chorionic gonadotropin (HCG) trigger shot (ovidrel), and try intrauterine insemination (IUI) for the first time later this month.

All of the mumbo jumbo and acronyms above basically mean the following:

  1. I took more of the cancer drug femara at the beginning of my cycle. It makes your body think you’re going into menopause so that when you go off it, your body is like, “HEY, HEY GIVE ME SOME EFFING ESTROGEN NOW, BITCHES!” It has fun side effects like hot flashes and headaches. Fun fact: Octomom was on this drug (scary!).
  2. I’m currently shooting myself in the stomach every night between the hours of 6-8 p.m. with a gonal-f injection pen. It turns me into a follicle making inferno complete with night sweats and killer all-day-long headaches. Oh, and it also conks me out in 1-2 hours (hello, old lady bedtime!).
  3. When I go in for my follicle check with my doctor, he’ll decide when he wants to give me the trigger shot of ovidrel. Once he administers it, we have 24 hours to get a specimen (read: splooge in a cup) to their office.
  4. After I drop off the specimen, they “clean” it, I come back later that day, the doctor inserts a catheter (yay, my favorite) in me and shoots me full of the specimen. I lay there for ten minutes and then I leave and go about my day.
  5. We wait. I pee on some more sticks to see if this worked.
  6. Hopefully all of the above results in a pregnancy. If not, rinse & repeat. If it doesn’t work after a few attempts, then we move further down the Monopoly board of Infertility. We do not pass go, and we do not collect $200. Instead, we start looking into in vitro fertilization (IVF) or other methods. Or maybe adoption.

I am cautiously optimistic. If I’ve learned anything the last few years of trying, infertility is a roller coaster of hope and despair … and you never really know which day it’s going to be on any given day. For now, the things that are keeping me sane (in no particular order) are: acupuncture, essential oils, yoga, talking to a therapist, and long walks with my dog. Oh, and the occasional binge purchase on iTunes of music I’d be embarrassed to listen to if I was still a judgmental music snob in my 20’s.

It’s Never As Bad As You Think It’s Gonna Be

22 Aug

I had my physical this morning. I had myself all worked up thinking I was going to get lectured about being a fattie. That’s not at all what happened. Instead, my doctor listened to me and my concerns. He even let me know that I have lost some weight since the last time I was there. Which is good and bad. Good because, yay, I lost weight. Bad because that means my starting weight was probably fatter than what I posted on here. *womp, womp*

My doc sent me for a boatload of blood work, including testing my thyroid. Hopefully by this time next week, I’ll know if there is something wrong with me and what it is. He also referred me to an orthopedic doc for my knee issues. Hopefully I’ll get that sorted out soon, too.

Hey, at least my blood pressure was good. I’ve got that going for me.


Stella Nash

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