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I Might Be 12

11 Aug

Colon Cleanse 2013 dramatics ceased for both of us after this morning, thank goodness. Once we were in the clear, I dragged my husband to Wal-Mart for what may seem like quite possibly the weirdest mid-cleanse idea for improving our fitness. We bought bikes! Yes, colon cleansing in the morning, bike riding in the afternoon! Makes sense, yes?

Probably not. 

Anyway, my new bike is a shiny, bright yellow and pink Schwinn. Husband opted for a more age-appropriate navy color. So yeah, I’m 33 going on 12. I like bright and shiny things! We spent the afternoon riding around the farm, chasing each other, and wearing out our dog. It was good times. Hooray for being active!

Colon Cleanse: Breaking the Turd Barrier

11 Aug

Yesterday, I mentioned my husband and I purchased colon cleanse business at the health food store. We both decided to start the cleanse last night. We took the recommended 5 pills each as directed on the bottle. I was immediately struck by how disgusting the pills tasted. It was like swallowing wood chips. Throughout the evening, our conversation went like this:

Husband: You feelin’ anything yet?

Me: Nope. I feel kinda full, though.

Husband:  I don’t feel anything.

An hour later … 

Husband: How are you feeling?

Me: I feel some pressure.

Husband: I don’t feel anything yet.

We awoke this morning with nothing much to report. Nothing transpired overnight.


This morning …

Me: I feel like the storm is coming.

Husband: Haha, yeah.

Me: Your stomach just made a noise.

Husband: Oh, did it?


We both took the recommended next 5 pills before having breakfast. Our conversation went as such:

While making breakfast …

Me: Oh God, I think it’s time. I better grab a book. *makes a beeline to the bathroom*

Husband: *knocking on door* Your breakfast is ready!

Me: *emerging rather quickly* I think I just broke the turd barrier. I didn’t need the book.

My Mom: *laughs*

Husband: Well, your breakfast is ready.

Me: I’m burping up wood chip taste. This is gross.

After breakfast …

Me: *stomach makes foreign, alien-about-to-emerge roar* Did you hear that?

Mom: No.

Me: Oh man! *runs back to the bathroom with a book*

Me: *reads approximately five Best of the Guster Road Journal 1999 – 2003 entries … remembers a time in life prior to purchasing hippie colon cleanses when going to concerts was considered weekend excitement*


So …

I’m somewhat terrified to go to the gym today, and not because of the workout or the pain I’ll endure. Maybe I should’ve thought about the after-effects before I started Bowel Cleanse 2013. Oh well, I’m in the throes of it now. I must say, the “organic fiber blends” must have wood in them. Everything tastes like wood. So far, the “non-cramping formula” does seem to be accurate. I haven’t experienced any cramps … yet.

Also, I learned new things about rhubarb. The bottle says, “Notice: This product contains rhubarb. Do not use if you have or develop diarrhea, loose stools or abdominal pain because rhubarb may worsen these conditions and be harmful to your health.” Who knew rhubarb was dangerous? Not me.

Uh oh, it’s happening again …

Stella Nash

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